I just wanted to take a quick moment to wish everyone a happy and safe July 4th. Last thing we need is a repeat of last year, right? With Uncle Phil falling into the grill again, and Aunt Sally getting wasted and trying to argue the merits of pubic hair with the whole family. Man, none of that. But I do hope you all realize what this great day is about. It is about every other holiday we have in Summer. It is about getting drunk outside and eating grilled food until you can’t stand your friends or relatives anymore. It is about wearing patriotic colors around people who also agreed to wear patriotic colors. It is about your freedom someone else earned for you through unnecessary blood shed so you can act like a complete asshole to everyone you know, regardless of consequence. It is about embracing the very roots of freedom and expelling them from the bare Earth with your naked hands, whilst screaming MURICA as loud as you can over Skynyrd songs. Oh, and don’t forget them fancy-ass fireworks. What would the fourth be without jarring explosions? Yay, America!
Oh man, nothing says FREEDOM like some high quality grilled dead animals!
Okay, let’s be real for a second here, shall we? You all thought this was one of those “Happy Holidays” posts that most lazy websites do way ahead of time that have like, one paragraph and are all generic and have a stock photo of someone grilling, huh? Well, this is not that. I figured my weird-ass monologue intro would have scared most of the tourists off, and most everyone else has surely bailed by now, too. So I assume the ones still reading are the real REMlins. The way I see it, this is a free ticket for me. Everyone who looked at this in the article lineup on my main page thought it was just that and have moved on. Now it is just us, and I can talk about whatever the f*ck I want.
I know you think I do that anyway, but the truth is, that is only half-true. I also need to ensure that everything I write has potential to go “viral”. Let us not forget, at the end of the day, this is a business. So even as much as it may seem like I have written everything I wanna write “Why Helen Mirren Should F*ck the Shit out of Me” has not quite made it to print yet, if you catch my drift.
I care little that she is older and wiser now. I still find her stunning and brilliant. Hit me up, Helen. I beg of thee.
But today is different. Everyone has already left the room. They are outside grilling and drinking out of their red solo cups. They are too busy talking to each other about how “great” they are doing to bother with us. Which means, I have an open mic, and zero f*cks to give (though many to drop in this article, apparently). But what, what does one talk about in that situation?
It is July fourth, so maybe we should talk about this? What the f*ck is that about? Maybe by the time this goes to print, we will know. Or maybe we will find out it was more of nothing. Who knows?
Or maybe we should talk about this? A huge and incredibly disturbing piece of news no one is addressing. Looks like he is telling us we are f*cked. This cannot be good? Why are people not talking about this?
Could the two stories be related? Maybe instead of talking about our freedom we are celebrating today, we should stop to ask at what cost we have this freedom? Maybe we should ask Mr. Cheney just what he really knows about what is in store for us, huh? We have become complacent again. You know that never ends well for us. Should we talk about that?
There are shirts that ask us to “never forget” this. Yet there are thousands of therapists still telling New Yorkers they need to forget this so they can get on with their lives. Odd how that works.
Nah,
I think maybe I should talk about none of that. I think, in this case, I should just shut up.
I think I’ll just go outside, grab a cold one, and pretend everything is okay, just like everyone else. That is the American way, after all.
Happy July 4th to all three of you who made it this far. You earned my respect.
The post Happy July 4th, Everybody! appeared first on Remy Carreiro.
